Ketamine

I’ve been wanting to do Ketamine Infusions for months.  Ever since I started ECT.  My depression has been severe for a looooong time and my doctor said there was nothing more he could do medicinally.  I felt like Ketamine was my only hope.  (Turns out it wasn’t, but that’s beside the point).

It took a long time to get approved for Ketamine.  Once I was, despite the fact that I had been hoping and praying for it for months, I was terrified.  I had never done drugs and the way they were describing ketamine was like getting high.  What would it be like?  Could I handle it?  I was terrified.

It turns out that ketamine infusions (which are not street drugs and are carefully monitored by professionals throughout the entire infusion) are not like getting high.  At least not the way I understand drugs.

During my infusion, I just feel so relaxed.  I have classical music playing, I have a eye mask on and have my eyes closed, and it just feels so calm.  The first time I thought I was with my nephew, and he was giving me a tour of his Crohn’s infusions.  The second time, I thought I was watching little vignettes, like movies, only I was right there.  Who knows what it will be like on Tuesday.

When I wake up I am so calm and actually a little happy.  It’s lovely.  And they give me Diet Pepsi!

It’s really early in the morning.  Like…really early.  Plus, the ketamine is tiring.  So, when I go home I take a nap.  When I wake up is when it gets really interesting.

The doctor says it’s because my brain is so not used to feeling happy that it just wants more and more.  So I’ve been getting a bit manic-y.  Not quite manic, but pretty hyped up.  One day I made a list of the seventeen things I couldn’t do that day and was angry about, and at the top of the list was going to antarctica.  Interestingly enough, I was pretty sure that was at the north pole.  I also gave my mom an ultimatum that she needed to tell me which nursing home she wanted to go to when she got dementia by the next day or….well, something.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are now my sister’s favorite days.

The cool thing is, it’s working.  I’m having more happy moments and less crying moments.  I was able to go into Aldi by myself and do a little grocery shopping.  I’m starting to make a plan for moving home.

And so we have hope.  It’s been a long time since we’ve had hope, and I am so happy.  I can do hard things, and the ketamine is helping.  Thank you, Jesus.  And thank you to all of you who have supported me along the way.  Most sincerely, Liz