Nervous

This week I had the amazing opportunity to take place in a Disability Arts and Cultural Gathering.  There were so many displays of art from different people, and I felt so welcome.  But I had agreed to read five minutes of my book.

When I agreed, that was no big deal at all.  I loved speaking out loud, and I loved my book.  But as my bipolar has gotten worse, this has gotten more and more difficult.  I cried all day.  I had trouble controlling my breath.  And I even prayed that I had Covid so that I wouldn’t be able to go.

But I went.  And I’m really glad I did.  The leaders of the event were super accommodating.  My mom was able to stay, and I was able to read before dinner so that I wouldn’t be so nervous I couldn’t eat.

And you know what?  It was amazing.  While I was reading people made responses to let me know they liked what they were hearing, and when I was done, they clapped so much.  I had truly worried for nothing.

I worry a lot these days.  And often it is about nothing.  My mom went to work today, and I cried at least ten times about it yesterday.  I have lots of things to do, and she’s only going to be gone for eight or so hours, but I have been panicking.

My counselor has really been helping me with my breathing.  Breathe in the flowers and blow out the candles (but not too hard because of Covid, you don’t want to spread germs.  It’s amazing how much it helps me.  I even like to imagine the flowers as sunflowers and Shrek and Fiona running through them.

So I guess what I’m saying is there will be times when you are nervous.  Everybody is. So it is important to find ways to deal with the nerves.  I hope that over time as my bipolar improves my nerves will, too, but in the meantime, this is what works for me.