You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm not going to lie, the last week has been really, really difficult. The thing with bipolar is you can be doing all the right things and it still hits you like a truck. Several people have asked, was there a trigger? This is a great, caring, educated question, but I have to respond, not that we're aware of. Sometimes there is, but sometimes my body just decides to fight me and we're on the defensive instead of the offensive. I've been sleeping so much, struggling to write or draw or even leave the house. But I've been trying so hard to do what I can. Mostly I have just been so numb. Good things or bad things happen, I just don't respond. Suicidal ideation pops through my brain, but I'm too tired and numb to even consider it. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. But I remembered a quote that I've always loved from Mary Poppins, which I have apparently been misquoting for 40 years - "[once] begun is half done". So I thought I would give it a try.
I don't have to do a whole workout video, I could do two or three minutes
I don't have to take a whole shower, I could just stand in the hot water
I don't have to paint twenty cards, I could just paint something
I don't even have to get all my dishes washed if I can just get them to the sink
And you know what?? It helps. I am not out of my depression by any means, but I am getting out of bed, at least for a little while, every day. And each task I complete gives me confidence and endorphins that encourage me to try one more thing. It's not a cure. There is no cure. But it helps me get through the next hour...and the next...and the next...until it's been a day. I don't have encouragement bursting out of me right now. Sometimes mental illnesses are just sucky. But I know I'm going to try one more thing. How about you?
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