One of the hardest things in the world for me to do is to say goodbye. It has always been hard to say goodbye, but it seems like it has gotten even harder as I get older.
When I was in school, I would cry at the end of each school year because I had to say goodbye to my teacher and I didn’t know if I would have the same students in my class the next year.
I’m not really sure if this is part of my bipolar or if it is just me, but it makes life really hard. It makes it really hard when my mom goes to work, because it is so hard for me to say goodbye to her. It makes it hard when I leave my best friend’s house because I know I won’t see her for awhile.
It’s the main reason I do so many Christmas cards. I include all my teachers, nurses I’ve had along the way, literally 100 people…and if you don’t get one let me know, it’s a mistake. It takes me hours and hours to get them all done, but I just can’t imagine these people getting out of my life.
This week was an example of that. They stopped ECT. They didn’t make a plan to slow it down and end it over time, they just came into the room where they do it and told me we were stopping. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to anybody. I cried and cried. For days. I can’t believe they didn’t know they were punishing me in this way, they must know by now how important goodbyes are to me.
I’m doing better now, and I’ll send them a group Christmas card, but it was really hard. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I care so much, but the truth is, it just shows how loving my heart is.
It gets really hard worrying about deaths and other losses, but it makes me really appreciate the people in my life when I do have them. I am really lucky to have so many people that love me, and I just always want them to know it. I may go a little over board with cards and presents, but no one will ever doubt that I love them.
And so, I just want to take this minute to thank you for being in my life. Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for caring for me. It’s making me cry just writing this, but that’s just because it gives me so much joy. With all my love, Liz
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