Some Days Are Worse Than Others

I thought that as long as I stopped working full time with wouldn’t happen any more.

I knew that I would have ups and downs, but that they would be subtle.

That I would “ride the wave” and get through it.

That I would use my abundance of coping skills to keep me out of the hospital.

But here I am.

It has been an AWFUL six or seven months.  Up and down, up and down, and the coping skills and medication are not enough.  I am clinging on by a rope.  Taking it one day at a time, just trying to get through.

The hospital would keep me safe, but it wouldn’t be the solution.  The medicines aren’t working.  The coping skills aren’t working.  Allll the appointments aren’t working.

I need something more.

But for some reason, there are so many more options for people with medication resistant depression than for people with bipolar.  Even if you can get what you need, insurance won’t help.  I make less than $25,000 a year, how am I supposed to pay for treatments that cost a thousand at a time.

I am depressed.  I am tired.  I am discouraged, and I am running out of hope.

I really thought that this would never happen again.  That we had figured it out.  But I was wrong.

I have bipolar.

Forever

And ever

Amen

Some days it won’t be to bad, but right now it is.

So if you have some extra moments, send some thoughts or prayers or love to the people you know with bipolar.  It’s never easy, but sometimes it feels impossible.

Today is one of those days.